Hypothetically, if you weren’t just a figment of my imagination and if you were still interested in seeing me, this is what I’d like to tell you. I will never do that, of course, but it helps writing it down.

I’m terrified. Terrified to fuck it up. At all times. I feel like I have to say and do the right things, constantly. That’s not because you make me feel that way – well, partially you do with your reserved, withdrawn demeanor that always makes me scared I’m about to accidentally cross a line that you won’t tell me about – but because of the way I am, the way my brain works. I want to talk to you, all the time. I want to tell you how I feel, I want to be honest. I feel like I’m bursting otherwise. I know I shouldn’t. We’ve just started seeing each other, why can’t I take things slow? Why should I overburden you with all my internal turmoil immediately? Alas, you don’t know how it feels. How much it is. I want to share at least some of it so that you understand what I’m going through every time I wait seven hours for an answer. And I want you to be able to take as much time as you want when replying, but I can’t. I can do a few hours, a little more if I know you’re particularly busy, but then my mind goes into self-destruction mode. Why is he not answering still? Does he hate me? Has he forgotten all about me? Am I just not important enough? And rightly so, why would I matter? I know that I’m being irrational, that I have way too many way too strong emotions. But I didn’t choose this, either. That’s just how I am – passionate, chaotic, turbulent. There are good qualities in these adjectives, too. I want to work with you on these issues, together, but I’d need you to meet me halfway. I think we could become quite a team if we communicated better. But of course, you shouldn’t change who you are because of me. I hate that I tend to do that to people. Maybe I need to accept that it simply can’t work. Good thing you don’t exist anyway.

These things I’d tell you, if it mattered. I guess it’s better that they don’t.