I’m feeling particularly exhausted, vulnerable, and overall, I guess you could say it that way, sick lately. Don’t ask me how, or why, because I don’t know. I’m ever so slowly falling apart from the inside and all I can do is watch with my eyes closed and scream inaudibly.

I need help, I want to say. Please, anyone. But in the end, I’m a fully grown woman that is responsible for herself. Whether I can handle this responsibility is, naturally, another question.

I’m merely observing as I revert back into patterns I thought I’d left in the past. I cannot stop myself. I know how it works!, I’m crying. Then fucking do it that way!, I want to yell back. I don’t know what triggered this process or whether it’s been in the works since the pandemic started. I’m scared, because I can’t predict what I am going to do. To myself. To you.

And I’m so torn. I want to tell you, listen, I have these issues, you can either work with me and help me, or go, and I would understand if you chose the latter. Because why deal with things so delicately complicated? Why would I be worth the extra effort? It’s not rational, not logical. At the same time, maybe it’s okay? That I am this way? And I have to accept these issues and so do you. I have to accept there are things I cannot do, no matter how much I want to. And if you don’t wish to work with me, then perhaps you don’t deserve me. But oh, how do you communicate these things. How do you make yourself understandable to a mind so radically different from yours?